Session Three

Today was completely different than the last two times I posted. This week, I’m spending time with my family at Myrtle Beach, and I just get to relax. I couldn’t be more excited to do nothing.

I spent a bit longer between these two sessions so that I will have more time to reflect what was covered in the previous session; plus these sessions were meant to be divided week by week. I had just gotten so excited after the first session that I wanted to keep going and see what more God could show me, but now I am taking my time.

After the last session about wounding, I’ve had a lot of time to really think about it. Getting hurt sucks. It sucks even more when it’s something public, that a lot of people know about. When going through a breakup, there are things people say that can REALLY hurt. The first, “You just have to move on.” Someone told me this the first day after, and I really wanted to punch them in the face. The second, “do you think there’s someone else?” I’m pretty positive that that isn’t the case, but the thought of it nearly kills me. Some days I feel fine, and can totally feel at peace, but most days, I just put up a tough exterior. Lately, the only times I leave my house are for work, and seeing my family. I feel sorry for my friends, because I just don’t have it in me to hang out. I want to just hide from the world. I retreat, and spend a lot of my time hiding out in bed. I finally just cleaned my room and did laundry, when normally, you would never see my room dirty. I have become cynical to the idea of moving on or opening up to new people. I am in no way ready to open my heart. Right now it’s mostly because I’m still so hurt, but I keep telling myself that I’m still so hurt, but I keep telling myself that I’m just protecting myself from future harm. I find myself constantly asking God for strength and peace.

“We start blaming when we stop believing the best in other people.”

But we need to remember that this life isn’t all about us.

Read Ezekiel 36:21-24

“…It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am going to do these things, but for the sake of my Holy name.”

God has so much concern for his name because people so often forget how important it is. When things go wrong in life, it is so easy to curse and blame God, but He will always remind us that it is in His plan. He is constantly reminding us of who He is to restore our faith. People don’t take care of his name, and use it in vain, or cursing him for our misfortunes and blaming him for the bad stuff.

God is always at work, and I need to just pray that he will reveal His plan and His work to me.

“God will use our lives as a picture to show Himself to the world.”

A lot of Christians forget that God is always using us as an example to the world. If we aren’t accurately portraying him, then the name of God will be forever tainted. We need to always remember that we are always an example of Him. He uses our hardships as an example of Hope to the rest of the world.

“God wants us to move past cynicism so we can provide hope. He has chosen to engage with you and me so that He can be shown as great, good, compassionate, and gracious through our lives.”

I need to see my wounds as an opportunity. Everything in life has a purpose, and everything really does happen for a reason. It’s cliche for a reason. It’s true. God will use me and my situation. I need to be a hope giver.

1) I need to learn through my circumstances. By going through these troubling times, I can really learn a lot about my character. So far, based on how I’ve handled it, I can deduct that almost all of my time is spend with family. They are the glue that’s holding me together.

2) I need to take the focus off of myself and minister to others.

I need to use my struggles to focus on God.

For example, Paul learned his lessons through his many struggles.

Read 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.”

GOD WILL USE ME! He will use my struggles and give me hope, and I will be an example of hope to others. Good can come from my struggles. I just need to keep praying for peace.

Session Two

Today I started session two. They’re supposed to be done one a week, but I couldn’t wait. I needed to continue to read. Session two is about wounds, and getting hurt. Everyone gets hurt. Mike states that, “occasionally the wounds are so painful that they define who we are, and we live the rest of our lives in light of that experience.” There was a lot of writing involved with this session. I filled up three pages front and back.

I have two different situations wounding me currently. First is physical. About eight years ago I suffered a shoulder injury from a snowboarding accident. As a result, I have permanent nerve damage in my upper back that causes me pain everyday. Every single day for the past eight years. Sometimes the pain is so bad that it is almost incapacitating. Second is the emotional pain from dealing with this break up. I’m really struggling with it, and how to handle it. It is always hardest for me at night when I am getting ready for bed. For the past two years in our relationship, every night we were apart we talked on the phone before bed. Having to fall out of that routine has proved very difficult, I always feel incomplete as I’m falling asleep.

Of course with wounds, there are always people trying to comfort you, and telling you it will get better, it’s all part of God’s plan, etc. Surprisingly, I don’t feel overwhelmed by all that. It isn’t super comforting at this point in time either. I know that everything is part of His plan, and maybe he has someone else out there for me, but the pain is still here, and I want it to go away. I want to know what His purpose is for me. I want to be sure that all this pain is worth it. I am just always hoping and praying that I don’t become cynical, or let this wound define me. It’s just such an easy trap to fall into, to completely withdraw and prevent future hurt.

Typically, I respond to wounding by immediately letting it get the best of me. For the first few days, I am an emotional wreck and I break down, freak out, and of course I cry. That stage never lasts long. I put up a tough exterior and outwardly act fine when I’m dying inside. I try to stay optimistic, but I always let it get the best of me for a while. When I hurt, I pull away from my friends and turn to my family. So many times in my life have my friends been fleeting, so I tend to ignore them when I hurt, and I never want to reveal how I really feel. The last thing I want is to invest more emotions into people who might not end up being there for me. That is why I always turn to family. Family is forever. They won’t judge me based on what I tell them, and they will love me and be there for me no matter what. More specifically, my mom. She will always take care of me when I need it most. She knows how to be nurturing better than anyone else.

I can’t let my wounds separate me from God, but I am a sinner, so it is bound to happen. Sin brings separation between God and His people.  Whenever I am in a relationship, I put my it before my relationship with God. I have been hurt so bad in the past by failed relationships, that I put as much effort into doing everything “right.” Of course, now I am truly realizing that they have failed because I did not focus on God. Without God in the center of any relationship, it is more likely to fail. Once I focus on God, the rest will fall into place. I need to trust that He will take care of me, and I need to follow the direction He has for me in life. It seems so much easier to just do what I want with my life, and I don’t want to stray from a comfortable past, but I can’t let that happen.

I pray that I can learn to be obedient to what God is telling me to do. God sees disobedience as personal, and heartbreaking, not just as disloyalty.

“Throughout the years, God used tough times to get His people’s attention. When bad things happened to them, they would suddenly focus on God. When things were easy, they would slide back into their old ways- other religions, and forgetting all about him.”

I believe I am now single so that I can rediscover who I am, and who the Lord wants me to be. He wants me to reconnect with Him, and realize my life, and all future relationships need to be centered on him. I refuse to let my wounds define me, but I need to pray about that. I don’t want to shut the world out like I normally would, and I can’t let my wounds affect the way I approach future relationships. I hope that I will be able to just get up and move on after this. I need to always pursue God and godly relationships. Jesus came to heal ALL wounds that injure us.

It’s a whole new world.

Well this week has brought a lot of changes. Without going into detail too much, I am now single, and Lord knows I am not handling it well. Actually, everything THINKS I am handling it well, but that’s because I put up a tough exterior. I am completely broken inside. Everyday is a battle, and I feel like I am always losing. The biggest thing I was dreading as a result of the breakup, was changing my relationship status on Facebook. It sounds so stupid, but I knew as soon as that changed, everyone would want to ask me about it. The absolute last thing I want to do is talk about it. The best thing for me has been to surround myself with my family. They are the only thing holding me together right now.

Today I woke up feeling extra down in the dumps, so I felt that it was the perfect day for me to finally start my bible study, Jaded by Mike Harder. After having completed the first session, I can not emphasize enough how much I related. God brought this to me at the absolutely perfect time.

In the introduction, it asked a question that I answered in the notebook I will be keeping with this study. The question is, what are you counting on right now to make you happy? Up until this past week, I counted on my relationship with John to make me happy, and I was. I thought that this was the man I was going to be with forever. Currently, my happiness is non existent. I put my life on hold for our relationship. I put aside the things that I wanted to do, so that I could wait on him. Right now, I am so completely broken, that I am held together with thoughts of moving on and doing the things I wanted. I want to go to culinary school and travel, things I was waiting to do. I want to get my life back on track as soon as possible.

I moved on from the introduction and into the first session, which is about idealism. The author, Mike Harder, talks about how he is constantly trying to figure out the future, and how he has his own expectations of how his life should turn out. I am exactly the same way. When I plan my next step in life, I not only plan the next step, I plan the one after, and the one after, and so on. As soon as I make one big decision in my life, I plan the rest of my life according to that one. But there is a problem with this. Whenever our dreams don’t come true, we become discouraged. Whenever this happens, we pull away from the world and people to prevent getting hurt again. I am completely at this stage. I don’t want to get too close to anyone for fear that I will get hurt. Letting our idealism go unguarded, it can become the first step to cynicism. I already feel myself slipping there. I want to hide from the world, and never open up my heart to anyone, but that’s wrong. “When idealism rules our lives, it is impossible to focus on others.” This is talking about the point when idealism that becomes self centered. I need to guard my idealistic heart, because idealism can be a form of pride, and I also want to protect myself from future disappointment and hurt. I can’t help but be amused at my response to the very first question in the book. I am already making plans to go to school and see the world, but I need to learn to ask God first what he wants of me, and he will lift me up when the time is right.

“Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, so that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your cares upon Him because He cares about you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7

Today, I learned I need to completely cast my cares upon the Lord. I need to overcome the pride in my life, work on my humility, and most importantly, I need to trust in God.

While I have spent the majority of this past week angry at what has happened, I need to surrender, but it’s so incredibly difficult. I pray everyday that I can move forward, and I need to wait on all of my dreams. God will present them to me at the right time. God has many things he needs to do in my life.

Woah.

So, FIRST of all, I’m not dead. Second, it’s been a while. I realize it’s been over a month since my last post. I could throw a bunch of excuses out there about not having time etc… but it simply comes down to forgetting, or lack of inspiration.

I’m completely guilty. I haven’t done everything I initially sought out to do. I haven’t been reading my bible like I had hoped, but I am still working to better my relationship with the Lord. I have found a great Bible study that I will be starting. My Sunday school class had been studying it for the past few weeks, but I had missed it for different reasons. Whether work, or lack of sleep… either way, I knew it was a great study. It is called Jaded, and it’s about finding hope in reality. It really focuses on how sometimes people’s pasts, and what they have been through can prevent someone from having a strong relationship with God. I didn’t particularly have anything traumatic events in my life, but it is so easy to become discouraged with everything happening in the world.

While at the moment I don’t have too much to say or update with, I will be posting more once I start this study.

Legen… wait for it…

Today was a great day. Absolutely no complaints. I had the day off today, and usually my mindset on my days off is “I am not doing a darn thing.” But today was different. I actually felt like being a productive member of society today. After rolling out of bed at the crack of noon, I tackled the barnacle of a mess that had attached itself to my room somehow… who knows how… I may just be weird, but I absolutely love that feeling of having a spotless room (bed even made). After a failed attempt to mow the weeds that have attacked my front yard, I had to go pay my water bill, and made way to my parent’s house to make dinner with my mom. Chicken, brussel sprouts, and salad YUM. So my night was spent watching many, many episodes of How I Met Your Mother with MY mother. I have become completely obsessed with that show. It is HILARIOUS. I have managed to watch 80 episodes in about a week and a half. I have no life. Sometimes the simplest things are the best. I don’t have much time anymore to just hang around with my mom. Usually when I’m watching tv, its at like 1 AM after a long night of work. So I get in my car to drive home, and realized my mom put gas in my car! She is really the best. I didn’t even ask her to. I get so much enjoyment out of hanging out with the people I care most about. I wish John were there, but I get to see him next week! I have Valentine’s Day off, so I’m going down to Savannah to see him, and I switched shifts with my friend Breanna, so I have to work tomorrow, but she’s covering my shift on Monday, so I’ll get to spend an extra day with him. I’m so excited!

God really does work in mysterious ways. After having such a bad day the other day, he turns it all around. I hate feeling so selfish like that. I know everyone has their moments of vulnerability, but I always feel so guilty about it. God has given me so much, that I really have no room to complain. So that’s something I need to work on, being thankful for what I have no matter what I am going through. I need to learn to praise him in the storm, and when things aren’t quite going my way.

I am also having a hard time with reading my bible everyday, like I wanted to. I want to look for a good bible study that will help me stay on track like I planned. I have a difficult time just opening the bible and reading, hoping it applies to what I’m going through, so that’s something that I will be praying about each day, for God to show me how awesome he is through his word. In addition, I am going to work on posting everyday. Even if it is something as simple as how my day went. God always has a way to apply his word to my situations, and I need to discover what he is telling me.

…DARY…

Awesome.

(If you have never seen How I Met Your Mother, you won’t get that)

Goodnight interwebz!!

Stuck in a rut

I’m bored. Not just in general, but with my routine. I only ever close at work, so my days are spent in anticipation of going to work. I usually don’t even roll out of bed until noon or so (I really need to retrain my sleeping habits). I go to work, get out around 10, then just watch tv or sit on the computer until I fall asleep around 1. Same thing just about everyday. I’m stuck in a rut, and bored. I don’t have any extra money after bills are paid, and I only get to see my fiance about once a month. I can’t wait until June, when John is finally done with school, and we can finally set a date for the wedding. Then I will have things to occupy my time. I will actually have a wedding to plan!

I don’t really have too much to say. I just felt like throwing myself a pity party for a bit. I’m feeling a bit more vulnerable than usual today. I envy those who get to travel and see the world. Those who are doing different things everyday. I need to go back to school. I need to get a job where I actually feel challenged. One where I don’t dread going to work because I know it’s the exact same everyday.

Days like today, it’s hard to thank God for all that I have when I want so much more, and it’s so hard to admit to that.

Today, I feel invisible.

Day Two

Good morning/afternoon world!

It’s funny how having a blog changes your thought process. Instead of just jumbling things about in your brain, you think of them in terms of how you would put it into words for the world to read. So this post is mostly just me dumping my thoughts.

I woke up this morning with a lot on my mind. First, I feel amazing. Through this, I can already see how much the Lord is showing me. The book of Nehemiah has shown me so much these past few days. But second, I am stressed. I was supposed to be working from 10-3 today, but everyone’s hours are getting cut, including mine. The easiest way to explain is because the store isn’t making enough money based on how many people work there. For the month of January, our store has overpaid employees by 70 hours. So in an effort to only have the employees they need based on how slow or busy our days are, they’re cutting back on everyone’s hours. My entire shift today was cut. But it’s also my fault. When asked if I wanted the day off, I hesitantly agreed. I could have easily said no, I need the hours, but it’s hard to say no to a day of relaxation. So far this week, I have had 13 hours cut off of my schedule, and I am stressing about the bills I have to pay. I couldn’t have gotten it any easier with my house, my parents are my landlords, and my mom allows me to pay what I can for rent. I am so very gracious for them, and all that they do for me,but I know I have to pay them the full month’s rent, because they are struggling with their own financial issues too. The beginning of each month is hard. I have to look at how much I have in bills, and look at all the money I have in my account, and assess what is left for food and gas. Right now, I will only have about $50 left until Friday, Feb. 10th when I get paid again. Welcome to my life. Living paycheck to paycheck. And that’s with a 40 work week. With only having between 20 and 30 this week, I am going to struggle. That $50 won’t even fill up my car.

This morning, before I did anything else, I prayed. I thanked the Lord for everything he is revealing to me, and all that I have. But right now, I prayed hardest for strength, and patience. I know that I will be provided for, but I need to wait.

My patience was surely tested yesterday. Every day at work is different. Some days it’s easy. I go in, do my job and help customers, but some days I just don’t want to do it. Sometimes it’s hard to keep my smile when I get so frustrated. Everyone who really knows me knows how big of a Patriots fan I am. I love football, and even more, I love those Pats. Well, before I even knew they would be in the Superbowl, I requested off February 5th: Superbowl Sunday. The schedule got posted yesterday, and that was the first thing I looked for. Despite my request, I have to work. I was devastated. My first thought was to find someone to switch, but once I calmed down, I remembered that it doesn’t even start until 8 pm, and Sundays we close at 8. So I won’t miss much of the game, and I am relieved by that. The only downside is that I definitely can’t go to Savannah to watch the game with John. But I will see him very soon.

So now that I have vented my frustrations, I can sit back and look at how reading the book of Nehemiah couldn’t have come to me at a better time.

While the people of Jerusalem were rebuilding the wall, they were faced by opposition, and began to grow weary. Enemy nations had heard that the repairs to the wall were moving quickly, and plotted an attack against it. Chapter 4, verses 12-14say:

Then the Jews who lived near them came and told us ten times over, “Wherever you turn, they will attack us.” Therefore I stationed some of the people behind the lowest points of the wall at the exposed places, posting them by families, with their swords, spears and bows. After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, “Don’t be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.”

I may not be rebuilding a wall, but I am rebuilding my life, and my relationship with God. I know that things will stand against that and try to attack my faith. But I must not be afraid. The chapter goes on to talk about how the people continued to rebuild, but wore a sword at their side. Nehemiah says to the people in verse 20, “Our God will fight for us!” So whatever comes my way, I must remember to trust in the Lord, who is great. And whenever I am attacked, he will fight for me.

Oh, and GO PATRIOTS!

And so, my journey begins.

Some days, I find my thoughts to be too crowded in my mind. I started this blog to document my daily life, thoughts, and how I strive to become the woman God intended me to be. This blog will certainly be filled with a lot of word vomit, a  lot of venting my frustrations, a lot of my struggles, but mostly my aspiration to have a better relationship with the Lord.

This begins my journey and my transformation.  I have always admired those who are so strong in their faith. I have never felt that level of closeness with God, and I want to fix that. I see people around me who are noticeably changed by the Lord, and I want that. I went on a retreat with my mom and heard Angela Thomas and Kelly Minter speak. Everything they talked about really hit home, and in order to obtain the relationship I desire, I need to work on it. All the time. Every day. I realized that I am doing myself a great disservice by sitting back and admiring. I’m not going anywhere in my faith by doing that. I make the effort to talk to John every day, because I love him more than words could describe. But I don’t make that effort with God, when his relationship above all else is what is important. Tears are welling up in my eyes because I have never been this straightforward and brutally honest with myself when it comes to this. Things must change. I need to start reading my bible everyday, but I’m not sure what a good book is to start with. I was raised going to church, and yet I still know so little.

Kelly Minter spoke about Nehemiah and how he abandoned his pampered lifestyle as a servant to the Persian king to rebuild Jerusalem, where his ancestors are from. Chapter 2 verse 2-5 says,

…So the king asked me, “Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill? This can be nothing but sadness of heart.” I was very much afraid, but I said to the king, “May the king live forever! Why should my face not look sad when the city where my fathers are buried lies in ruins, and its gates have been destroyed by fire?” The king said to me, “What is it you want?” Then I prayed to the God of heaven, and I answered the king, “If it pleases the king and if your servant has found favor in his sight, let him send me to the city in Judah where my fathers are buried so that I can rebuild it.”

Nehemiah could have easily lost his job, or even have been killed for asking such a thing, yet despite his fears, he asks anyway. The king grants his wish. He goes to Jerusalem, and he and the people rebuild the wall.

First, all I can think of is, wow. He gave up EVERYTHING to make this journey. Now, when something disastrous happens somewhere in the world, the heart grieves, so we send money for things to be fixed. People generally don’t want to sacrifice what they have to help those with nothing, even though these worldly possessions don’t go with us when we die. I’m not saying everyone should sell everything they have and go be missionaries, but people should be more willing to GO and help.

My Uncle Neal, and Aunt Stacy are examples of this. They had the calling to be missionaries in Scotland. Like Nehemiah, they dropped everything, and moved there. God has blessed them in so many ways since. They didn’t have permanent housing, or funds, but God has since provided those to them. They are helping set up churches in the town of Paisley.

My cousin Kelsey is currently in Richmond, Virginia at the Missionary Learning Center, preparing to move to Buenos Aires, Argentina to be a missionary for two years with the Journeyman program. She is an amazing Godly woman, and I could not be any happier for her. She has always had a passion for travel, and languages, particularly Spanish.I know God gave her those passions for a reason!

I plan to dive into Nehemiah more, because aside from the missionary message, he rebuilds the people of Jerusalem’s spirits. They were so badly disgraced by the destruction of the wall, that they didn’t ever think they could rebuild it, and turn away from their shame, but they do. Chapter 6, verses 15 and 16 talks about the completion of the wall:

“So the wall was completed on the twenty-fifth of Elul, in fifty-two days. When all our enemies heard about this, all the surrounding nations were afraid and lost their self-confidence, because they realized that this work had been done with the help of our God.”

I hope that one day, I can be like Nehemiah. I hope that people can look at me and think, “wow, she is truly a woman of God.”